101 Things - Updated

As the year draws to a close I've decided to look at my list and see what can be crossed off

I guess the rest count as New Year's Resolutions....

Below is my list of things to do before 2015 or so....

1.       Travel to one new continent

2.       Travel to three new states

3.       Go on vacation alone

4.       Go to Russia for my 35^th Birthday

5.       Go on a mini-cruise (3 days)

6.       Go to dinner at a restaurant alone

7.       Try  3 new types of food

8.       See three more baseball stadiums

9.       Visit my sister once a quarter

10.   Call my parents once a week and tell them something new about myself

11.   Call my parents once a week to hear how they are doing

12.   Be nicer to my parents

13.   Practice patience with my family

14.   Call my friends once a month just to say hello

15.   Say I love you to those I love regularly

16.   Visit my extended family once a quarter

17.   Do a girls trip with all my favorite girls

18.   Go to the shore and watch the sunrise

19.   See a Cirque D’ Soleil performance

20.   See Wicked on Broadway

21.   Visit the Guggenheim

22.   Visit the Smithsonian in DC

23.   Visit the Baltimore Aquarium

24.   Go to the Central Park Zoo

25.   Go Kayaking on the Delaware

26.   Go on a wine tasting tour in PA & NJ

27.   Have a snowball fight

28.   Take a spa day two times a year

29.   Try camping with Lish

30.   Try bungee jumping

31.   Skydive

32.   Learn how to Salsa dance

33.   Dance at least once a week

34.   Learn to rollerblade

35.   Learn to swim properly

36.   Start to take my health seriously

37.   Learn the principals of yoga

38.   Practice yoga 2-3 times a week

39.   Exercise regularly 4-5 hours a week  (includes yoga but is not limited to it)

40.   Meditate at least once a week

41.   Lose 70lbs in a healthy way

42.   Keep the weight off

43.   Run a 5k

44.   Train for a triathlon with Cathy

45.   Learn about Buddhism

46.   Begin to incorporate Buddhism into my daily life

47.   Read 10 classic novels

48.   Read 1 professional book a quarter

49.   Read 1 novel in Spanish

50.   Watch the original Star Wars trilogy

51.   Watch the Rocky movies

52.   Watch the Godfather movies

53.   Watch less than 10 hours of TV a week

54.   Pay off my credit cards and not use them for 1 full year

55.   Not to go clothes shopping for 6 months

56.   Put $100 in savings for each month I do not go clothes shopping

57.   Bring lunch to work for an entire month

58.   Put the $5 a day I save on lunch into a savings account

59.   Save enough for a 10% down payment on a house

60.   Buy my first house

61.   Eat healthy 6 days a week

62.   Cook 2-3 dinners at home a week

63.   Take a cooking class

64.   Indulge in dessert once a week

65.   Eat anything I want once a week

66.   Have a dinner party just because

67.   Learn how to quilt

68.   Volunteer at an animal organization

69.   Hug my kitties more

70.   Volunteer at a non-animal organization

71.   Say no when I really do not want to do something

72.   Say yes when I really want to do something

73.   Say what’s on my mind when something is really bothering me

74.   Allow myself one day a month to be a pj’d bum

75.   Stop gossiping, as much J

76.   Stop to smell the roses more often

77.   Put my blackberry away when I’m not at work

78.   Do not bring my laptop home on weekends

79.   Figure out my long term career goals

80.   Plan how to reach those career goals

81.   Say hello to my neighbors when I see them

82.   Ask how people are doing and listen to the answer

83.   Stop recycling ex-boyfriends

84.   Go on at least one date with someone new a month

85.   Allow myself to love someone new

86.   Allow someone new to love me

87.   Allow the idea of marriage to become a possibility (maybe a reality)

88.   Learn to love my body

89.   Learn to accept my physical flaws

90.   Accept that everyone makes mistakes

91.   Learn from my mistakes and not repeat them

92.   Accept that perfection is not possible

93.   Learn to forgive

94.   Learn to forget

95.   Be a better friend through acceptance

96.   Be a better listener by using my ears more than my lips

97.   Be more compassionate by allowing others to feel what they feel

98.   Be less judgmental by being (see above)

99.   Be cautious with my words especially in anger

100.                        Learn to live life to the fullest because it is too short

101.                        Accept that others may not like “my life” but since I’m living it I get to decide.

His Arms Stretched Out to Me

I stand here,
I see his arms stretched out to me,
On windy night I hear him call my name.

I stand here,
I see his arms stretched out to me,
I know he wishes me to come to him.

I stand here,
I see his arms stretched out to me,
Every time I see him, his arms are stretched out more and more.

I stand here,
I see his arms stretched out to me,
I do not wish to go to him, yet.

I stand here,
I see his arms stretched out ot me,
I know he wishes me to become a part of him and nourish him like many have before.

As I stand here,
And see his arms stretched out to me,
I know someday I will become a part of him but for now, this tree which sits in a grave yard must wait for my eternal rest.

~ Circa 1996 (edited 2011)

I am not... but I have...

Ten years after my graduation from college I recall the starry eyed girl that had a bright future and endless dreams. 

Reflecting on the day with the diploma brought to mind all the things that I am not. 

I am not a wife.

I am not a mother.

I am not a homeowner.

I am not a perfect daughter.

I am not a perfect friend. 

I am not a perfect sister.

I am not a size 2.

I am not an eloquent speaker. 

I am not in control of my temper.   

I am not financially stable. 

I am not as adventurous as I would like to be. 

I am not good at forgiving.  

I am not someone that can see past my expectations of others. 

I am not countless other things. 

I am sure you can fill in the [blank].

But the more I thought about all the things that I am not I noticed many things that I have accomplished.

I have a Masters Degree. 

I have a great career that I love. 

I have a healthy relationship with my sister. 

I have a healthier relationship with my parents. 

I have friends that are my family. 

I have traveled. 

I have gained self-awareness to make better decisions. 

I have fallen in love. 

I have overcome great disappointment. 

I have become skilled at standing up for myself. 

I have learned that it is not always about me. 

I have accepted myself, a little more. 

I have survived my self-doubt. 

I have mostly let go of the past.  

I have survived on my own. 

I have learned to have fun. 

I have not given up on my dreams.

I have learned to forget the deadline for the goals and simply live.   

I have countless other things. 
I am sure you can fill in the [blank].

All and all the last ten years have not gone according to plan but I have learned plans are subject to change.  Despite the things I am not…things I am are not too shabby and I still have plenty of time to accomplish more…

Blue Skies - 9/11 Memories

It is curious the things you remember...
.......
I had been looking forward to this day for a lifetime.  I was a three month college graduate (the first in my immediate family). I was working at my first "real" job at a major publishing house and this was the day I would finally be moving into my very own place. Since graduation I had been living with my Aunt Haydee and Cousin Chris in Jersey City and was excited to give them back their home and start my adult life.  Unfortunately, this day had other plans for me and the world. 

As I waited for my aunt to leave for work, my cousin called.  All he said was "Turn on the TV there is a fire at the twin towers."  On CNN, was the now infamous image of the first tower with a giant plume of smoke coming out of the top,  the anchor was reporting that people saw a plane hit the tower. Seconds later there on live TV was a second plane, a second plume. 

The walls around me began to spin and the words "its terrorism!" slips out of my mouth.  No I was not having a psychic moment, I just knew.  I lived in Hudson County most of my life and understood that no planes were every supposed to fly directly over lower Manhattan.

.......
I sit in the apartment alone.  My aunt went to work and I have no idea what I should do.  I decide to I bring things down to the car but I cannot tare myself away from what is happening across the river.  I turn on the car radio; it is on our local Top 40 station and the announcer Paul "Cubby" Bryant is hollering "the tower has collapsed! The first tower hit has collapsed!" 

I look to my left toward the Hudson River.  I cannot comprehend but I see the sky it is gray.  It will remain gray for weeks.  All I remember thinking is that the skyline that I was so use to has changed forever.

.......
My cousin is home.  We need to go see my uncle.  We promised we would sit with him in the hospital while his wife was in for brain surgery. As we get on to Rt. 1 South, a major artery between NY & NJ, we see thousands of idling cars, at least 30 miles deep, on the northbound side trying to get into New York City.  I wondered if they really knew what was happening while they sat in their cars.

Today, that image of Route 1 reminds of a surrealist painting, one side completely full of colored arrows while the other side has one single arrow heading in the wrong way.

......
We sit in the hospital waiting room. I remember just wanting to do something; give blood, bring food or simply pray.  Instead we all sat in a stupor watching the images of the towers, pentagon, planes, and people.  Listening to the reports and first estimates of possible missing (20,000) and waited to hear about our family.

My aunt made it through the surgery on this day but succumbed to cancer a year later.
 …..

I woke up on September 11, 2001, the day that brought some of the greatest darkness to this country, and it was a crisp autumn morning with beautiful blue skies

MEN SUCK!

MEN SUCK!

Ask any woman that is between the ages of 16-99 and they will tell you that most men in their lives have made them voice these words in distress many times.  And to the joy of any women within listening distance it is incentive for solidarity and kinship, aka male bashing.  We can all recall sessions that were funny, frustrating or something in between where we shared our stories of being wronged.  Mostly we can all remember the feeling of solidarity as the shared stories and theories unite the participating women like only great Swiss chocolate can.

Ah chocolate....oh sorry!

This brings me to a heartfelt message for all of you non-single women aka Ms. Never Single/Long-Term Dating/Soon To Be Misses/Married women…

STOP trying to bond with SINGLE women by telling us that men are “a headache you do not want.”  This is not a bonding statment.  It does not give anyone on the planet an ounce of comfort or feeling of kinship.  Single women will never utter the words " Awe poor you. I can't believe your great guy has flaws!" Truth be told, when you say these word we are thinking "if you truly believe this statement why are you so hell bent on making your relationship work."  HUH? Either you’re a masochist or you are placating the poor lonely spinster. 

You never thought I would figure that out, right.  See completely opposite of bonding.

Well I, as a declared spinster, will let you off the hook. I can confidently say that 99% of women want that “headache.” Not because we enjoy migraines but because we want the good that happens around the MEN SUCK! moments and subsequent female camaraderie.

We single girls want to have someone that loves us, even though being single does not prevent us from being happy.  We want someone to go on vacations with, even if we enjoy vacations with our friends more.  We want someone to bring us soup when we are sick, even if we make it better.  We want someone to laugh at the cats with, even if we do it well alone.  And yes, we want someone that gives us “headaches” so that we can make up with them, even if we would rather not fight.  WE want our very own someone to share our lives, even if life does not stop being great because we are single.

So today I give all you non-single women a valuable piece of advice....continue the MEN SUCK! conversations but leave the rest behind.   The jig is up so stop pretending that the “headaches” are not worth it. Enjoy what you have with your man!!  We do not begrudge your relationship status.  We simply want to have that someone too.

A day I enjoyed my friend....

Today I saw my friend, she is ending her time here with us.  She is dying.

Lately, when I see her the hope she had months ago is gone. Reality has set and she no longer talks of life in what she will be doing in a year.  Now her timeframes are the snippets of time she has left.  Mostly, she talks about what she wants and needs to do before…before she is too sick…before she no longer has a voice in decisions being made...before she leaves us behind to start a new journey.

In my time with her she always reminds me to remember to live my life.  To get healthy so I can live a fullfilled long time. So I can enjoy life because it’s the only thing that matters at the end.  The memories we make and the friends we have are the only things that bring comfort when the future can only be counted in small measurements such as weeks, days and hours.

My friend still laughs but only when the meds dull the pain.  It is the most amazing sound to my ears.  It is that sound you here in the movies when the harp plays and the heavens open up.  All of this laugher despite how her body has turned against her..amazing to see that there is still humor in her soul.

For me that one sound and image of her wrinkled eyes when she laughs is the lesson I must take from her today and cherish as the wisdom from her final battle.  Laughter.  Laughter in a time of despair, in a time of overt sadness, in a time when time is precious.

Today was a good day, most days she waits for the next episode of excruciating pain and begs God to take it away. This is the same God she has prayed to for years...the God that has no power to heal her...he/it/she can only help if he expedites the end of her misery. An takes her from those of us who love her and will miss her. Those she has touched in ways that aren't tangible but so very real.

God?  If you exist why?  Why her? Why now? Why are you helpless to save this wonderful soul? That I know is another topic for another day...today I will concentrate on the good day I spent with my friend...her humor and her soul left intact despite her bodies woes...

101 things to do 1001 days

Below is my list of things to do before 2015 or so....

1.       Travel to one new continent

2.       Travel to three new states

3.       Go on vacation alone

4.       Go to Russia for my 35^th Birthday

5.       Go on a mini-cruise (3 days)

6.       Go to dinner at a restaurant alone

7.       Try  3 new types of food

8.       See three more baseball stadiums

9.       Visit my sister once a quarter

10.   Call my parents once a week and tell them something new about myself

11.   Call my parents once a week to hear how they are doing

12.   Be nicer to my parents

13.   Practice patience with my family

14.   Call my friends once a month just to say hello

15.   Say I love you to those I love regularly

16.   Visit my extended family once a quarter

17.   Do a girls trip with all my favorite girls

18.   Go to the shore and watch the sunrise

19.   See a Cirque D’ Soleil performance

20.   See Wicked on Broadway

21.   Visit the Guggenheim

22.   Visit the Smithsonian in DC

23.   Visit the Baltimore Aquarium

24.   Go to the Central Park Zoo

25.   Go Kayaking on the Delaware

26.   Go on a wine tasting tour in PA & NJ

27.   Have a snowball fight

28.   Take a spa day two times a year

29.   Try camping with Lish

30.   Try bungee jumping

31.   Skydive

32.   Learn how to Salsa dance

33.   Dance at least once a week

34.   Learn to rollerblade

35.   Learn to swim properly

36.   Start to take my health seriously

37.   Learn the principals of yoga

38.   Practice yoga 2-3 times a week

39.   Exercise regularly 4-5 hours a week  (includes yoga but is not limited to it)

40.   Meditate at least once a week

41.   Lose 70lbs in a healthy way

42.   Keep the weight off

43.   Run a 5k

44.   Train for a triathlon with Cathy

45.   Learn about Buddhism

46.   Begin to incorporate Buddhism into my daily life

47.   Read 10 classic novels

48.   Read 1 professional book a quarter

49.   Read 1 novel in Spanish

50.   Watch the original Star Wars trilogy

51.   Watch the Rocky movies

52.   Watch the Godfather movies

53.   Watch less than 10 hours of TV a week

54.   Pay off my credit cards and not use them for 1 full year

55.   Not to go clothes shopping for 6 months

56.   Put $100 in savings for each month I do not go clothes shopping

57.   Bring lunch to work for an entire month

58.   Put the $5 a day I save on lunch into a savings account

59.   Save enough for a 10% down payment on a house

60.   Buy my first house

61.   Eat healthy 6 days a week

62.   Cook 2-3 dinners at home a week

63.   Take a cooking class

64.   Indulge in dessert once a week

65.   Eat anything I want once a week

66.   Have a dinner party just because

67.   Learn how to quilt

68.   Volunteer at an animal organization

69.   Hug my kitties more

70.   Volunteer at a non-animal organization

71.   Say no when I really do not want to do something

72.   Say yes when I really want to do something

73.   Say what’s on my mind when something is really bothering me

74.   Allow myself one day a month to be a pj’d bum

75.   Stop gossiping, as much J

76.   Stop to smell the roses more often

77.   Put my blackberry away when I’m not at work

78.   Do not bring my laptop home on weekends

79.   Figure out my long term career goals

80.   Plan how to reach those career goals

81.   Say hello to my neighbors when I see them

82.   Ask how people are doing and listen to the answer

83.   Stop recycling ex-boyfriends

84.   Go on at least one date with someone new a month

85.   Allow myself to love someone new

86.   Allow someone new to love me

87.   Allow the idea of marriage to become a possibility (maybe a reality)

88.   Learn to love my body

89.   Learn to accept my physical flaws

90.   Accept that everyone makes mistakes

91.   Learn from my mistakes and not repeat them

92.   Accept that perfection is not possible

93.   Learn to forgive

94.   Learn to forget

95.   Be a better friend through acceptance

96.   Be a better listener by using my ears more than my lips

97.   Be more compassionate by allowing others to feel what they feel

98.   Be less judgmental by being (see above)

99.   Be cautious with my words especially in anger

100.                        Learn to live life to the fullest because it is too short

101.                        Accept that others may not like “my life” but since I’m living it I get to decide.