The Inner Carefree Me…

There are stories, now family folklore, that when I was a baby I would throw myself out of the crib head first, cry, get up and keep going.  Today I wonder was that version of me led by pure abandon or was it just the naïveté of innocence?

The answer is “I dunno.”

Many people continue to metaphorically jump never stopping to think about what happens next.  This ability, the simple pleasure of doing what you want without thinking about what consequences, makes me plain old jealous.

Reckless Abandon!!! Oh such a divine idea! 

Over the years, in all aspects of my life I have become a thinker, planner, CONTROL FREAK or some would say stick in the mud.  Unfortunately, I have not been able to feel the lack of inhibition necessary to simply enjoy the moment of pleasure that happens after doing something without weighing the consequences.

Why cannot I do this?!  I have asked myself countless times. Life is hard for everyone. Many have had heartache, disappointment and failure.  And many of them still move forward barrier free and enjoy carefree existence.     

In rare moments when I leap without much thought, others take credit for the event.  Most people cannot comprehend that despite what they think of the outer persona there is an inner carefree me screaming to find a way out and a live life of pure abandon.

Ok, maybe not complete abandon but less thinking and more thoughtless fun.  In me, there is a whole authentic being trying to come together to live a fulfilled, fearless, and balanced life.  The work to get there is hard but has been worth every stumble and emotion. 

Today I am aware of where I want to be. Tomorrow i'll be enjoying that balanced life.

Lessons....

It has been less than 6 weeks since my friend, second mom, only true grandma, loss her battle with cancer. In the immediate days after, I was so glad her suffering had ended and she was finally at peace.   But as the days went on and her presence continued to fade the finality of everything hit me…she’s gone.  Now what? What did this all mean?

For me, I knew there had to be a lesson in all of this somewhere.  I cannot comprehend a world that would allow a marvelous person to suffer so much if there was not something for those of us left behind to learn.  I began my quest by looking at the last few months of Icela’s life.  In those weeks hundreds of friends, family, acquaintances, and neighbors stopped by to chat, pray, show support and basically say their goodbyes.   I watched her children take care of her, pray for a miracle and finally come to the realization that she did not have long.  I listened to her laugh at jokes, tells stories of her memories and talk about what she wanted for our futures.  I saw a woman that fought until the end to beat the odds and in the end realize she was just a mere mortal.

As a learner in mourning the lessons where hard to see and absorb yet despite the emotions I found some very significant teachings to take from her life. 

Lesson #1

I observed a family come together and grown children become the caretakers.  A powerful lesson I will have to someday accept with my own aging and ailing parents.

Lesson #2

I saw unbelievable personal strength to survive and not give up until it was the only option.  A lesson I should always remember during trivial moments that test my faith and endurance.

Lesson #3

I witnessed this one woman bring together people from all walks of life with shared memories from decades or days gone by.  A lesson I should take as remembering the value of friendship and living a fulfilled life.

Now as the student I see these lessons and wonder “When I’m ready to make that journey to the next life, who will share my memories?” This is not a statement about the people I currently have in my life but about the ones I do not and have yet to meet. 

My entire life has been focused on school, work, a career, and my parents and today I wonder out loud “If I am a middle manager for the next 30 years will it matter more than shared memories?” I think not.

Is this the biggest lessons she left me?  If so, what do I do now?