I am not... but I have...

Ten years after my graduation from college I recall the starry eyed girl that had a bright future and endless dreams. 

Reflecting on the day with the diploma brought to mind all the things that I am not. 

I am not a wife.

I am not a mother.

I am not a homeowner.

I am not a perfect daughter.

I am not a perfect friend. 

I am not a perfect sister.

I am not a size 2.

I am not an eloquent speaker. 

I am not in control of my temper.   

I am not financially stable. 

I am not as adventurous as I would like to be. 

I am not good at forgiving.  

I am not someone that can see past my expectations of others. 

I am not countless other things. 

I am sure you can fill in the [blank].

But the more I thought about all the things that I am not I noticed many things that I have accomplished.

I have a Masters Degree. 

I have a great career that I love. 

I have a healthy relationship with my sister. 

I have a healthier relationship with my parents. 

I have friends that are my family. 

I have traveled. 

I have gained self-awareness to make better decisions. 

I have fallen in love. 

I have overcome great disappointment. 

I have become skilled at standing up for myself. 

I have learned that it is not always about me. 

I have accepted myself, a little more. 

I have survived my self-doubt. 

I have mostly let go of the past.  

I have survived on my own. 

I have learned to have fun. 

I have not given up on my dreams.

I have learned to forget the deadline for the goals and simply live.   

I have countless other things. 
I am sure you can fill in the [blank].

All and all the last ten years have not gone according to plan but I have learned plans are subject to change.  Despite the things I am not…things I am are not too shabby and I still have plenty of time to accomplish more…

Blue Skies - 9/11 Memories

It is curious the things you remember...
.......
I had been looking forward to this day for a lifetime.  I was a three month college graduate (the first in my immediate family). I was working at my first "real" job at a major publishing house and this was the day I would finally be moving into my very own place. Since graduation I had been living with my Aunt Haydee and Cousin Chris in Jersey City and was excited to give them back their home and start my adult life.  Unfortunately, this day had other plans for me and the world. 

As I waited for my aunt to leave for work, my cousin called.  All he said was "Turn on the TV there is a fire at the twin towers."  On CNN, was the now infamous image of the first tower with a giant plume of smoke coming out of the top,  the anchor was reporting that people saw a plane hit the tower. Seconds later there on live TV was a second plane, a second plume. 

The walls around me began to spin and the words "its terrorism!" slips out of my mouth.  No I was not having a psychic moment, I just knew.  I lived in Hudson County most of my life and understood that no planes were every supposed to fly directly over lower Manhattan.

.......
I sit in the apartment alone.  My aunt went to work and I have no idea what I should do.  I decide to I bring things down to the car but I cannot tare myself away from what is happening across the river.  I turn on the car radio; it is on our local Top 40 station and the announcer Paul "Cubby" Bryant is hollering "the tower has collapsed! The first tower hit has collapsed!" 

I look to my left toward the Hudson River.  I cannot comprehend but I see the sky it is gray.  It will remain gray for weeks.  All I remember thinking is that the skyline that I was so use to has changed forever.

.......
My cousin is home.  We need to go see my uncle.  We promised we would sit with him in the hospital while his wife was in for brain surgery. As we get on to Rt. 1 South, a major artery between NY & NJ, we see thousands of idling cars, at least 30 miles deep, on the northbound side trying to get into New York City.  I wondered if they really knew what was happening while they sat in their cars.

Today, that image of Route 1 reminds of a surrealist painting, one side completely full of colored arrows while the other side has one single arrow heading in the wrong way.

......
We sit in the hospital waiting room. I remember just wanting to do something; give blood, bring food or simply pray.  Instead we all sat in a stupor watching the images of the towers, pentagon, planes, and people.  Listening to the reports and first estimates of possible missing (20,000) and waited to hear about our family.

My aunt made it through the surgery on this day but succumbed to cancer a year later.
 …..

I woke up on September 11, 2001, the day that brought some of the greatest darkness to this country, and it was a crisp autumn morning with beautiful blue skies